Lately I’ve been feeling like I owe others and myself more authenticity. This summer has been an overwhelming rollercoaster of ups and really intense downs. I haven’t sat down to write or even visited my blog since my latest surgery 4 weeks ago. Publishing anything over the past few weeks would’ve only been because I felt like I had to post new content – and that’s not what I want this space to reflect.
So I’m pausing and re evaluating.
God has been placing the word season really heavily on my heart lately. Reminding me that this is a season of my life that will pass.
A season of 4 surgeries in 365 days. A season of physical pain. A season of friends leaving and disappearing when things get hard. A season of having to live back at home instead of continuing at school. A season of my life completely crashing into millions of pieces, while I can only wait for the debris to clear.
But in these millions of pieces I’m ever so slowly finding patience and gratitude…because this season will end.
I think I’ve said this before – it’s up to me whether I feed into the voice in my head telling me how much all of this completely sucks. Questioning why this has to be my story and why everything can’t just get better. I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought those things because I definitely do…a lot. But right now (literally right now on a Wednesday afternoon with the Olympics playing in the background) I’m realizing that for my own well being and sanity I have to stop fighting myself so hard and more importantly stop fighting God’s plan for me and put my faith in a greater purpose. A purpose for the pain, loosing relationships, life looking differently than I hoped it would. And part of that starts with making this space more authentic.
I hope my story and experiences reach people in ways I can’t even dream of right now as I’m right in the midst of it. That’s what compels me to write and what compels me to share. The excitement of being used for something bigger is keeping my head above water in this sea of darkness.
There are so many unpublished drafts on my computer meant to be a continuation of this older post about my recovery. Each time I tried to write, I felt like I had to tell you exactly how to get through something and give a solution to your season of adversity. I can’t tell you how to survive a transitional period of your life because I’m not at the end of mine.
But I’m also realizing that doesn’t mean I can’t still write about it.
So I’m going to stop shying away from “different” types of posts out of fear no one wants to hear the hard stories. Or the good stories. The real stories. Because isn’t that what we all crave? To live authentically and genuinely? With authentic and genuine relationships? I know I do. To know that someone gets you and understands on even the smallest level what you’re going through. And even if they don’t, they’re real enough to express that and just meet you where you are.
That’s what I want this space to be. A place of authenticity. Where I share my story: the awesome, the terrible, and the in between. And a space where you can stay a while and maybe even share yours, because you’re always welcomed here.
So if you’re in the midst of a difficult season, everything else in your life doesn’t have to come to a standstill. You can release your finger from the pause button and press play. Keep doing what you love, keep pushing through, and keep searching through the millions of shattered pieces for positivity and a purpose.